soft. warm. light pastel blue and purple. the gentle rain. the heat lightening flashing in the sky. The bluesy/pop music. The kitten (3 year old cat) on the corner of the bed.
I am super tired of opening up to people about having anxiety and people responding as if they were my therapist recommending meditation. I was suffering, and this helped. That is all you need to know, as a friend, in order to support my decision to start using medication after spending my entire life feeling like I knew something was wrong and everyone else just telling me to fuckin relax. Nah I never heard of chilling out… what the fuck does “calm” mean? Don’t you think I wanna not feel like I’m in a life or death situation all the time? I wake up in the morning, usually hours earlier than I set an alarm for, unable to fall back asleep because I’m so anxious I’ll sleep through it, or that I’ll fall asleep just as it goes off and feel more tired than I would if I just woke up now. I’d wake up drenched in sweat, feeling a jolt of electricity shooting through my spine and down my arms, lurching forward in bed like a zombie reawakened from the dead. Two or three times a week I’d have a panic attack in my dream, and feel those symptoms in real life, forcing me awake to myself unable to breath at all. My heart would hurt by the end of the day because it was constantly racing. My ankles and wrists are worn down because I can’t control my jittering, fidgeting, restless body. My breath is always shallow and quick. Never mind the mental anguish I was suffering. Meditation was not an accessible outlet while I was asleep… and it wasn’t doing shit for me during the day except teaching me concepts that I have to admit, have helped, but cannot fix the physiology of anxiety alone. Now that I can sit the fuck still and think beyond microscopic problems and focus on the bigger picture, because of medication, I am able to really get things done. I can keep a routine, I can follow directions and follow through with plans I make, I can remember important dates and deadlines, and I’m not causing physical injury or damage to myself or anyone else any more.
Meditation has helped but so hasn’t this. Stop making me feel guilty about needing it.
